Advocates or Adversaries: The Dynamics of Couple Relationships
In the complex world of romantic relationships, couples can often be categorized as either advocates for each other or adversaries. Working with couples in our Relationship Coaching Programs, we have observed how these distinct dynamics define the way couples interact, communicate, and support one another. Advocates collaborate, uplift, and empower each other, while adversaries may find themselves in a constant state of opposition and conflict. Understanding the differences between these two dynamics can shed light on the factors that contribute to the success or failure of a relationship.
Advocates: Partners in Support and Empowerment
Couples who act as advocates think in terms of “we,” not “me.” They operate as allies with shared purpose, even when they disagree. Their relationship feels like a partnership built on respect and safety rather than control or competition.
Here’s what advocacy looks like in action:
Open Communication: Advocates make it safe to talk about anything. They listen to understand, not to win. That means listening without interrupting, asking clarifying questions, and resisting the urge to offer quick fixes or unsolicited advice.
Empowerment: They encourage each other’s personal goals, knowing that individual fulfillment strengthens the relationship. One person’s success is not a threat—it’s a shared victory.
Teamwork: They share responsibilities and work together to manage the details of daily life—finances, schedules, chores, and big decisions. Equality in teamwork doesn’t mean everything is split down the middle; it means everything that needs to get done is getting done, and neither partner feels taken advantage of or taken for granted. When teamwork feels balanced, both partners feel seen, supported, and appreciated.
Healthy Conflict: Advocates don’t avoid conflict, but they handle it with respect. They focus on solving the problem, not attacking the person. They use “I” statements, take breaks when emotions run high, and return to the conversation once calm.
Emotional Support: They provide comfort and reassurance when life feels heavy. They check in, listen, and show care through words and presence. Support might be as simple as sitting quietly together or saying, “I’m here if you need me.”
Growth Mindset: They stay curious about each other’s evolving needs and perspectives. They know relationships are living things that require ongoing attention, not maintenance only when something breaks.
Advocate couples share a belief that the relationship itself is something worth protecting and investing in every day.
Adversaries: When “Us” Turns into “You vs. Me”
Adversarial couples don’t usually start that way. Most slip into it when stress, pride, or fear take the lead. Without realizing it, they begin to act more like opponents than teammates.
Here are signs that the relationship has moved into an adversarial dynamic:
Communication Breakdowns: Conversations often turn defensive or dismissive. Partners talk over each other or stop sharing altogether because they expect to be misunderstood.
Keeping Score: Instead of giving freely, partners track who’s contributing more, who’s “right,” or who apologized last. Keeping score slowly replaces generosity with resentment.
Competition for Control: One or both partners try to have the final say, seeing compromise as losing. Power struggles replace collaboration.
Blame and Defensiveness: Each person focuses on proving the other wrong. The question shifts from “How do we fix this?” to “Who caused it?”
Emotional Disconnection: Affection fades, and communication becomes strictly logistical—about errands, bills, or schedules, not feelings or dreams.
Stagnation: Growth stops because both are preoccupied with protecting themselves rather than nurturing the relationship.
Adversarial patterns rarely explode overnight. They creep in quietly, through small habits of disconnection that become the new normal.
Turning Adversaries into Advocates
The good news is that most couples can shift toward advocacy with awareness and consistent effort. It’s about changing small daily behaviors that build trust and connection.
Here’s where to start:
Rebuild Curiosity: Ask questions instead of making assumptions. When your partner reacts strongly, respond with “Help me understand what you’re feeling” rather than judgment.
Communicate to Connect, Not Correct: Focus on understanding your partner’s experience. Validate their feelings first and only offer solutions or advice after asking if they’re wanted.
Prioritize the Relationship: Pause before reacting and ask yourself, “Will this strengthen or weaken our connection?” Small moments of restraint often prevent big conflicts.
Name Each Other’s Strengths: Regularly acknowledge what your partner does well and how they make your life better. Simple appreciation rebuilds goodwill.
Collaborate on Problems: Approach challenges as teammates facing the same issue, not as rivals trying to win. Use “we” language when discussing solutions.
Rekindle Emotional Closeness: Spend intentional time together—go for walks, share meals, reminisce, laugh. Relationships grow through shared experiences, not just serious talks.
Celebrate Progress: Growth takes practice. Notice the small improvements in how you talk, listen, and show care, and celebrate them together.
💬 Try This Together
Sit down together when you both have time and answer these questions individually first, then share your reflections:
When we face challenges, do we tend to act more like advocates (working as a team) or adversaries (working against each other)?
What’s one recent example of each dynamic — a time we supported one another and a time we got stuck on opposite sides?
What helped us collaborate in the first scenario? What caused tension in the second?
What’s one small behavior or phrase we could each use to stay on the same team next time?
Then, make one simple commitment together: choose a “team phrase” you can say out loud during future disagreements — something like “Same side” or “Let’s solve this together.”
That quick cue reminds you both to shift from adversaries back to advocates.
At Loran Coaching, through our Premarital Counseling and Marriage Coaching we help couples strengthen their “advocate muscle” with tools that make connection and teamwork second nature. Because the strongest relationships aren’t the ones without conflict—they’re the ones where both people fight for each other instead of against each other.