What’s the secret to happy marriage?

Who could have predicted that two people as different from each other, from such different walks of life, would end up happily married? And yet here we are. 

I remember the butterflies in my stomach that Saturday morning 34 years ago. We exchanged vows in an old colonial church in my hometown of Cuernavaca in Mexico. Robert and his family – as well as a few friends from the US – traveled to join us in this momentous occasion that marked the beginning of our journey into the challenging – yet wonderful – adventure of marriage.  

The adventure has not been without trials and tribulations. Life continuously throws new challenges at a couple. We have experienced sunny days and rainy days, and we have weathered our fair share of storms. But, as they say, “change is the only constant” in life, so this is to be expected. For us, though, there has been another constant: the love and commitment that we pledged to one another before God, family, and friends 34 years ago.

We work with engaged couples as they prepare for this same adventure, helping them discover and proactively solve the “gotchas” that injure many relationships. This gets them started on a strong path. However, some of those couples ask us what the secret is to keeping a marriage happy. I can tell you that it doesn’t involve magically agreeing on everything, therefore never having conflict, because that is impossible when there are two human beings in a relationship. It’s a bit of a cliché, but good communication skills and healthy ways to resolve conflict definitely play a part, and go a long way to reducing the number of disagreements. Of course, mutual respect and trust are certainly paramount to relationship harmony.

But for us, the ultimate secret is that 34 years ago we went from “you and me” to “us” all at once. We were “all in” from that day forward. We became a team, a united entity that is altogether different from the two components that make it up. We wake up every morning as “us,” looking for ways we can do things for each other.  Small acts of selflessness and words of affirmation on a daily basis remind us why we fell in love, and why we began this journey. We both know the other person always has our back, and in challenging times we can look into each other’s eyes and understand that it is “us against the world” to the end.

Happy Anniversary to my other half!